I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
