Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
