I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Is it penis luge time yet?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
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