Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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