i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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