The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
