Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I think your dad took our porno
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Randomize
