He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
