I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
