Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
