I feel great
I just peed on a car
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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