I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
