I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
