He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
