if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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