The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Randomize
