Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
