I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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