If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
