My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
