I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize