We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
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