Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
