I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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