I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
