Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
You did what with his pubic hair?
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