Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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