Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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