Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
