Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
BRING THE BAGELS
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Randomize
