i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
