I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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