so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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