This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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