I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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