If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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