new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
