Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
