So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
