Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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