Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
