I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
