so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Randomize
