I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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