Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
