Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
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