I wish I could punch you in the face.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
