The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
