There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize