Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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