If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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