I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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