Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
