My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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