I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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