why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
