I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
