Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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