he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
