Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I'm really busy with my period
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