Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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