dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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