This is not my ceiling
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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