i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Randomize
