the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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