I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
