i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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